After scraping up that one last meager bite, I chew and swallow, and know that it's time to hit the road. I excuse myself and diligently run through the list of things to do in my head, thanking Mom for the pork roast cooked just the way I like it. As my grumbling gut starts to digest, I can't help but think there is still a lot on my plate for tonight.
The girl with me sits cross-legged on the edge of my sofa. Looking into her wide impatient eyes, I read her mind and utter, "let's get going". She springs up.
"You got ready fast for a change," she adds.
"Yeah I guess so," I reply under my breath in a less joyful tone than hers.
"Do you have the tickets?"
"Ya. We gotta go."
I'm late, but not in any cool or casual way. Somehow I'm late for an informal, casually-made affair with no specific time frame. I hope my friends don't mind, I only want to see them for a bit because I know that they have big plans tonight too. The girl and I get in the tiny car outside, I flop on to the passenger seat. My phone rings and tells me it's an unknown number. It's probably my good friend calling. I don't answer, but I'm sure it was him, he has an unknown number. I press my temple to the cold window as we drive ahead.
We stop at the bank, a gas pump, and finally the store. I buy a bottle of liquor. I commit myself to a more expensive bottle of rum following the notion that I only live once. In that respect, I plan to be very, very alive tonight.Having conquered the liquor store, I re-enter the vehicle where she has been sitting with the engine off and seat belt on. A muffled version of Beethoven's Fur Elise emits from her purse. She answers "hello?" so inquisitively it's as if she doesn't even know who's calling. Maybe it's an unknown number.
"What?... Why?... Where's yours?... I'm busy... Fine, wait fifteen minutes. I'm coming," is all I hear from the exchange. The denouement of that conversation told me another unanticipated stop was about to happen. I cringe.
"Where do we have to go now?" I whine.
"My brother locked himself out."
"Where are your parents?"
"Out."
"I don't wanna go all the way to your house. At this rate I'm not even going to see my friends."
"You'll see them eventually. Don't be pissed."
I roll my eyes animatedly as we embark down the highway and travel mile after mile further away from the only place I want to be. Things just aren't going as planned. I only want one thing and something just keeps getting in the way. Don't be pissed, she tells me. Too late. I can't believe today, of all days.
We pull into her driveway and sure enough, a boy is leaning back against the front door. I lope towards him unenthusiastically.
"Happy birthday," is all he says as I unlatch the door for him.
In my ungrateful state I force a "thanks".
The girl gets out of the car behind me and says "I have a little present for you" and urges me inside.
This better be good and it better be fast, I thought.
I enter the house, take off my shoes, and don't find any room to put them. The two dogs bark ferociously until they realize it's who it is. I step into the living room.
Everyone in the room orchestrates a deafening: "SURPRISE!" as they stretch out arms offering hugs, handshakes, and beer. I stand aloof and eventually smile once everything calms down a bit. This changes everything.
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I love the surprise ending! You’ve done a wonderful job of creating a mood – I could feel your frustration and annoyance building throughout the piece. Without actually listing your emotions, you’ve managed to convey them effectively.
ReplyDeleteI also like the way you use some foreshadowing to lead us and raise the stakes a bit, like when you use “I can't believe today, of all days.” We don’t know why, but we know that the situation is graver than it would be other days.
You’ve included some good detail, such as “I enter the house, take off my shoes, and don't find any room to put them” that serve great purpose (here, a hint of the party about to erupt). In other areas, the detail is less necessary and takes away from the story a bit. For example, you could shorten the passage “The girl and I get in the tiny car outside, I flop on to the passenger seat. My phone rings and tells me it's an unknown number. It's probably my good friend calling” to “We get into the car. I get a call from an unknown number.” without compromising the story in any way.
You did a great job of ending the story. I’m left wishing for more, but happy that I didn’t get it.
HAHAHA wow, I TOTALLY thought that was going somewhere else *phew* - but you can't blame me when you had lines like"I only want one thing and something just keeps getting in the way." eeep!
ReplyDeletewell I truely misinterpreted the story, and I think that this is one of the things that makes it so great. Not only was it a surprise that at the end you were at a surprise birthday party - but you went without even saying it was your birthday for the entire first half of the story. It made me wonder what exactly was going on.... the first line "After scraping up that one last meager bite, I chew and swallow, and know that it's time to hit the road" made me originally think that it was perhaps a story about food, but it was entirely un-related.
I did like how you didn't give the girl a name - it not only added more mystery to the plot, but it showed that her character wasn't really all that important to the story.
You have used a vast variety of techniques in this piece and I truely liked it.. however I would have liked to know what you saw exactly in each of the settings you were in... what you smellt and sensed - much like your previous story about the shopping trip to the mall at Christmas time. I thought that piece was very descriptive and easy to relate to... perhaps this was your intention though?? perhaps it would take away from the mystery if you told us about yur surroundings??
Awesome Job Mark!!
Dude, I thought it was heading somewhere else too. NOBODY suspects a surprise birthday party, not even me. I liked that I was surprised with you in this piece. Cool effect. My film prof always told me that a good film was a simple subject, fully explored. Your tension was simple: the frustration was understood and I would be even more pissed if someone told me NOT to be pissed off. Your great with your choice of words. I like that you left the girl unnamed (although she might not) it kept the focus on you. It’s good, and I am not surprised in that regard...
ReplyDeleteWow, like the other girls, I did not expect that type of ending. I think you can tell what we were all expecting. At first I was going to say, why would you write something like this! That is so personal and no one wants to hear about your love life. Well, at least me.
ReplyDeleteAs I read on I let out a huge sign of relief when I realized it was a surprise birthday party and not what I initially thought. This was a very good effect, much like A.P said.
I really liked all of the dialogue you used, it made the blog super personal. Great job Mark.
I was along with you for the ride. It was fun and adventurous, yet at times frustrating. All of the writers are getting too good, I have a hard time finding what needs to be fixed.
ReplyDeleteI liked the part about getting into the small car because, it symbolized how you were feeling when you had to submiss and take the girl to let her brother in the house(you were crammed for time not just space, your words were getting short and your and you were feeling small. Your temper was evolving).
You stuck with the details about the drive.
I would like to have heard more details about the drive over. I almost felt like the drive was silent, maybe it was. Even better.
I love the surprise ending, where the girl made your day with a "Happy Birthday to you".